It's a hard thread to respond to, but I'll try anyway, and trying to keep a pragmatist approach.
You seem quite a clever person that can acquire some of the skils that are needed in the developing world. Trying to apply to some writing editorials, even for free, might be a start. While what you wrote feels like purely raw emotion, I think it's a quite engaging reading and you it's something most people don't have (really, I've known various writers). Maybe in your spare time trying to work on some portfolio and trying to make creative stuff to sublimate your anger might be better than just keeping it to yourself.
Also you seem to have a knack for tech, there are a lot of free resources to learn (and your best bet is trying to rely on your creations), you never know what can happen to that (specially in tech, that it's quite an achievement industry). Might seem like running in circles, but at least having certain projects in mind, and pushing anger towards other things beside yourself can be gratifying, and at the end you'll at least have something built.
And really sometimes you just need a lucky hit, if you keep trying there's a chance that one of those seeds will grow. It's hard as fuck, specially when you're on a spiraling mindset, and everyway you rationalize it leads you further the downstairs, and every time you try to walk seems like the glass is just ready to shatter, but it's the only way actually trying to stop it as far as I see it. Some people just need to catch a fucking break, I don't know why (maybe because your writing moved me), but I really think you will get at least one good shot at something.
I really can't relate to your problems, I feel totally the other way around, that even while I wasn't never "bad" to anyone I just prefer to push people away, I had a lot of chances and I wasted them, and to me it's amazing that people actually care enough for your well being. THB there were LOTS of nights that I hoped I would not wake up, and the only thing that kept me from doing anything rash was thinking that it's my only chance and trying to make it better will always be a better outcome than cutting it short.