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The Shenmue III Publicity Proposal Too Hot for GameFAQs

I made what some might call a radical (or radically ridiculous) proposition to the GameFAQs Shenmue III board, before some flighty young thing apparently deemed my idea to be too much for their little sensitive heart to handle. As such, it was wiped off the board before anyone really replied. So here I am, hoping the heart of the community is not so strict as to demand this proposal's immediate removal. If there's any chance of someone seeing this and being inspired to do something in the same vein, that could change the course of Shenmue's fate, I must exhaust that possibility.

Let me stress that while I am being tongue-in-cheek, it's only in part. You can't tell me this is COMPLETELY inconceivable; I'm not suggesting mass suicide or some stunt of superhuman ability. At the end of the day, what I propose is among the most simple and harmless of human acts -- it's part of life. If I need to superficially censor this with the spoilers tag, then I'll certainly comply. Although I hardly think it's necessary, and I imagine we're all adults here.

Now, without further ado...

What about flash mob public masturbation?
With 50k backers, I'd imagine we could round up at least a hundred Shenmue fans worldwide who'd be willing to spend the night in jail or take the record so as to make Shenmue III the best game it can be. I'm sure there's plenty of weirdo Europeans who'd be willing to join that aren't even Shenmue fans. "Public masturbation? Bellissimo!" We may even be able to go higher than a hundred.

Think about it: 100+ people in jeans, brown leather jackets, and wearing short, spiky Ryo-esque wigs/do's, carrying placards reading "SHENMUE YSNET" (ensuring even the most lazy Google search gets them you know where), periodically stopping to ask pedestrians, "Have you seen any sailors?" Then when the collective reaches a designated wide-open area, they make themselves wide-open — men and women alike ditching their jeans and setting themselves to furious self-pleasure, perhaps punctuated by cries of ecstasy exclaiming, "SHEEENNMUUUUEEE!!!" No one actually gets hurt, right? And yet it's over-the-top, completely ridiculous and sensational. The method of "demonstration" is so universal, I bet it'd even be reported internationally.

But I think it would have to take place in America at least, for it to get national coverage here (typical). So I was thinking, say, the Capitol Lawn? Times Square? Ellis Island occurred to me, but then you'd probably get PC ****-slingers talking about disrespect in a way you might not elsewhere. So I don't know, but I'd imagine TImes Square is very doable, and visible indeed.

In any event, I can see this working. Imagine even garnering support from open-minded arresting officers; as they drive the Ryo-Strokers/finger-blasters downtown or write up their paperwork, they have the situation explained to them and they throw in some pledges. I've heard $6 million mentioned as an ideal/reasonable minimum, and even that looks sketchy. Personally, I'm going to have regrets no matter what if it doesn't hit $9 million. Which is almost definitely not going to happen at this point.

I mean, desperate times call for desperate measures, right?

So goes the original text. The idea is undeniably silly and lewd, but again, harmless to the public, and -- most importantly -- has potential to achieve the desired impact. You gotta admit it. We don't all have "Chinese English-teaching school's coffers" angles that we can use to grab headlines, and I can't help but worry.

And there's so many ways to go about this sort of thing, barring these exact terms. If we Shenmue fans don't have the balls (literally), couldn't an outside group -- like a BDSM enthusiast circle or nudist colony -- be commissioned to execute for us? Or even if it's not full-fledged mass masturbation, a stunt of smaller scope could suffice. But I do think it has to involve nudity on some level; as I've alluded to, there are but two fundamental forms of visceral expression for humans: sex and violence. And violence is out of the question... Duh.

You can call nude/sexual stunts stupid, but it's not like we've hatched some ultra-clever viral marketing scheme up to this point. There's only so much time left, and if crazy/sensational enough, the method COULD work. Even if it's just one guy streaking through London or the Vatican (do they have sex offender registries in Europe?). But the more people, the better the chances of raising awareness. Otherwise the premise needs to be great, and the execution flawless.

P.S. I'm unable to log-in to the Dojo from Firefox on my desktop, and I couldn't register either. Believe it or not, I'm writing this on my Wii U. Never had this problem before with any other site or forum. Any ideas?
by BunBunF
Wed Jul 08, 2015 11:40 pm
 
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