Much Shenmue About Nothing: A Comedy Of Tiny Proportions

[mikec_ct]

Hello And Welcome. As some of you may remember, early last year I began a COMEDIC (or at least my pathetic attempt at a comedic) Shenmue story entitled "Much Shenmue About Nothing". I decided to edit it into one big clump, put everything in the same tense so it is readable, and repost it to aid your reading of it. I enjoyed writing this mother so I hope you like reading it. As you can probably tell, it's not done. As with the real Shenmue saga, this tale is still a work-in-progress so you can still expect an occasional update. So, sit back, relax, grab a Fruda Grape Soda and some Fried Tofu or Dried Fish, whatever you prefer, and enjoy.

"Much Shenmue About Nothing" or "Ryo Is One Goofy Sumbitch!"

by MikeC_CT
****New Yokosuka Harbor****

**Ryo steps into the Harbor Lounge, ready to ease his mind after work with a couple rounds of Neo Darts. As he walks toward the machine, a high pitched voice from the counter stops him dead in his tracks.**

Clerk: Hey handsome! I know all about how to get an audition! Let's get together and leave the harbor for good!

**Ryo thinks for a second. He really wants to avenge his father's death. He knows he is only a step behind Lan Di, and it is only a matter of time before their paths cross again. He stands there for several seconds, with a puzzled look on his face. This girl really seems to have her priorities in order.**

Ryo: You know what? Let's go for it!"

Clerk: Alright!! Just let me lock this place up!"

Ryo: I see.

****Tokyo, 3 Days Later****

**Ryo bites his lip, anxiously waiting to have his name called.**

"So why are you here again?" the man in the next seat asked.

Ryo: Well, this chick from the harbor lounge asked me if I wanted to audition with her. Turns out she just used me for sex and money, because she got me drunk and had me sign a contract that: 1-made her my agent and 2-made her my wife. Unbelieveable. I'll never trust a trashy broad like that again.

Man: Tough break man, totally. Was she good though?"

Ryo: Well you know what they say. Sex is like pizza, even when it's bad it's good

Man: I hear you

Receptionist: Hazuki, Ryo!

Ryo: Uh-oh, here I go...

Man: Break a leg, man

Ryo: I see.

**Ryo rises from his seat and follows the receptionist who called his name. They walk through a brightly lit, uncomfortably cold hallway that reminds of a hospital. 'Here goes nothing' he thinks. They enter a room at the end of the hall. Three stern-faced men sit at a long table at the far side of the room.

Man #1: Hi Mr Hazuki. Show us what you've got, ok?

Ryo: I see.

**All of a sudden, from behind, an extremely tall and muscular nude man walks into the room. Ryo is confused. He looks at the sign on the wall: BACK DOOR PRODUCTIONS**

Ryo: Uh oh, what did that bitch get me into...

**Ryo does a backwards somersault over the nude man and runs out of the room and dodges into a bathroom to avoid detection. Inside are two men**

Man One: Hi, I'm Yu, and this is my Chinese friend named Him.

Ryo: Hi, I'm Ryo. Nice to meet you, Him.

Yu: No, my name isn't Yu Him, I'm Yu and he's Him.

Ryo: Yu, and Him. I understand. *looks at Him* So you, what do you do here?

Yu: I'm a janitor here.

Ryo: No, Yu, I was talking to Him. Him should answer the question.

Yu: You mean he should answer the question. That's improper grammar.

Ryo: No, Him is right there.

Yu: HE is right there.

Ryo: No, you don't understand!

Yu: Never talk to me in the third person to my face!!! And that was bad grammar again!!

Ryo: No, I was saying Yu! Arrrrgh!!!!

**Ryo leaves the bathroom and runs out of the building, onto the sidewalk. He decides to head back to Yokosuka, which would involve catching a bus. He heads to the neareast bus stop. A man is sitting on the bench**

Ryo: Excuse me sir, do you know what time the bus stops here at?

Man: Yes, at 5:30.

Ryo: Ok, thank you.

Ryo looks at his watch and sees that it's 5:29 and 50 seconds. The bus should appear any second now...

Ryo: It's EXACTLY 5:30!!! Oh my god!! Where is the bus????? Has the f***ing universe collapsed in on itself? What's going on? AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!

**Ryo runs away screaming. The man on the bench shrugs. The bus comes at 5:30 and 8 seconds but Ryo is already long gone. Everything he knows about the world has suddenly been yanked out from under him...**

**Ryo finally reaches Dobuita. He sees Nozomi over at the flower shop, so he decides to talk to her.**

Ryo: Hey Nozomi! Long time no see!

Nozomi: Ryo! Please, just for a while, stay with me! Don't you wish time could stand still?

Ryo: Aha!!! That explains it!! The bus didn't come at the right time because you made time stand still!!! Devil spawn ho!!!

**Ryo pulls the Phoenix mirror out of his pocket and throws it at Nozomi like a ninja star. It buzzes her head off like a saw**

Ryo: There!!! Now I must go to England and make sure that the clock on Big Ben is working!!! That's the only way to know that time is no longer standing still!!

Nozomi's Grandmother: There's a clock right there.

Ryo: That doesn't count, now it's off to England!!!

Nozomi's Grandmother: Hey Nozomi, why aren't you moving? Why are you laying down in all that red water? Why is your head thirteen feet away from your body? Dammit girl, get in here and water the flowers!!

**Ryo, meanwhile, runs to the airport. He arrives at the airport and realizes he hasn't the money for a ticket to England**

Ryo: F*** this. I think I'll go back to Dobuita.

**After a long bus ride, Ryo gets back to the familiar Dobuita shopping district. He enters the Tomato Mart and purchases a chocolate bar**

Cashier: Draw a ticket please.

*Ryo picks a ticket.*

Ryo: No win.

Cashier: Especially since you bought merchandise.

Ryo: What?

Cashier: I said "Especially since you bought merchandise."

Ryo: What the hell does that mean?

Cashier: I don't know, it was translated from Japanese. God knows how much the sentence was butchered before they programmed me to blurt it out.

Ryo: I see.

[khien]

LMAO, mike that was hilarious! Yu and Him! A classic, but nevertheless well captured! I especially liked the bus incident - come to think of it though, i would prolly react the same if the bus was late while playing shenmue... o_0

And great use of the infamous "i see" phrase - not too much, but enough to makes me know for sure it's Ryo!

Can't wait for part two!

[mikec_ct]

Thanks for the kind words, and your siggy, that's one of the few sonnets we went over in english last semester that I enjoyed. Good choice, haha

[Juanfran]

That was brilliance, sheer quality

You know once, when I was playing Shenmue, the bus was late. In fact, it didn't come at all! That properly got my goat.

[khien]

Thanks for the kind words, and your siggy, that's one of the few sonnets we went over in english last semester that I enjoyed. Good choice, haha

Lol, yeah, nothing like the old masters, eh? ;)

[David Hazuki]

hey mike! sup bro!!!

anyway great story!!! i remember this from way back when we were at the old dojo like a year ago!

damn funny bro, keep the stories flowin!

also, u should check out the story that i started called "The Shenmue 1 NeverEnding Story!" its kinda like this, only we follow the storyline of shenmue but make it "funnier." ull get what i mean when u read it!

u should start postin in that one too, cuz u got a great sense of humor.

anyway, looking forward to some more of ur stories!

[Daemos]

Hello And Welcome. As some of you may remember, early last year I began a COMEDIC (or at least my pathetic attempt at a comedic) Shenmue story entitled "Much Shenmue About Nothing". I decided to edit it into one big clump, put everything in the same tense so it is readable, and repost it to aid your reading of it. I enjoyed writing this mother so I hope you like reading it. As you can probably tell, it's not done. As with the real Shenmue saga, this tale is still a work-in-progress so you can still expect an occasional update. So, sit back, relax, grab a Fruda Grape Soda and some Fried Tofu or Dried Fish, whatever you prefer, and enjoy.

"Much Shenmue About Nothing" or "Ryo Is One Goofy Sumbitch!"

by MikeC_CT
****New Yokosuka Harbor****

**Ryo steps into the Harbor Lounge, ready to ease his mind after work with a couple rounds of Neo Darts. As he walks toward the machine, a high pitched voice from the counter stops him dead in his tracks.**

Clerk: Hey handsome! I know all about how to get an audition! Let's get together and leave the harbor for good!

**Ryo thinks for a second. He really wants to avenge his father's death. He knows he is only a step behind Lan Di, and it is only a matter of time before their paths cross again. He stands there for several seconds, with a puzzled look on his face. This girl really seems to have her priorities in order.**

Ryo: You know what? Let's go for it!"

Clerk: Alright!! Just let me lock this place up!"

Ryo: I see.

****Tokyo, 3 Days Later****

**Ryo bites his lip, anxiously waiting to have his name called.**

"So why are you here again?" the man in the next seat asked.

Ryo: Well, this chick from the harbor lounge asked me if I wanted to audition with her. Turns out she just used me for sex and money, because she got me drunk and had me sign a contract that: 1-made her my agent and 2-made her my wife. Unbelieveable. I'll never trust a trashy broad like that again.

Man: Tough break man, totally. Was she good though?"

Ryo: Well you know what they say. Sex is like pizza, even when it's bad it's good

Man: I hear you

Receptionist: Hazuki, Ryo!

Ryo: Uh-oh, here I go...

Man: Break a leg, man

Ryo: I see.

**Ryo rises from his seat and follows the receptionist who called his name. They walk through a brightly lit, uncomfortably cold hallway that reminds of a hospital. 'Here goes nothing' he thinks. They enter a room at the end of the hall. Three stern-faced men sit at a long table at the far side of the room.

Man #1: Hi Mr Hazuki. Show us what you've got, ok?

Ryo: I see.

**All of a sudden, from behind, an extremely tall and muscular nude man walks into the room. Ryo is confused. He looks at the sign on the wall: BACK DOOR PRODUCTIONS**

Ryo: Uh oh, what did that bitch get me into...

**Ryo does a backwards somersault over the nude man and runs out of the room and dodges into a bathroom to avoid detection. Inside are two men**

Man One: Hi, I'm Yu, and this is my Chinese friend named Him.

Ryo: Hi, I'm Ryo. Nice to meet you, Him.

Yu: No, my name isn't Yu Him, I'm Yu and he's Him.

Ryo: Yu, and Him. I understand. *looks at Him* So you, what do you do here?

Yu: I'm a janitor here.

Ryo: No, Yu, I was talking to Him. Him should answer the question.

Yu: You mean he should answer the question. That's improper grammar.

Ryo: No, Him is right there.

Yu: HE is right there.

Ryo: No, you don't understand!

Yu: Never talk to me in the third person to my face!!! And that was bad grammar again!!

Ryo: No, I was saying Yu! Arrrrgh!!!!

**Ryo leaves the bathroom and runs out of the building, onto the sidewalk. He decides to head back to Yokosuka, which would involve catching a bus. He heads to the neareast bus stop. A man is sitting on the bench**

Ryo: Excuse me sir, do you know what time the bus stops here at?

Man: Yes, at 5:30.

Ryo: Ok, thank you.

Ryo looks at his watch and sees that it's 5:29 and 50 seconds. The bus should appear any second now...

Ryo: It's EXACTLY 5:30!!! Oh my god!! Where is the bus????? Has the f***ing universe collapsed in on itself? What's going on? AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!

**Ryo runs away screaming. The man on the bench shrugs. The bus comes at 5:30 and 8 seconds but Ryo is already long gone. Everything he knows about the world has suddenly been yanked out from under him...**

**Ryo finally reaches Dobuita. He sees Nozomi over at the flower shop, so he decides to talk to her.**

Ryo: Hey Nozomi! Long time no see!

Nozomi: Ryo! Please, just for a while, stay with me! Don't you wish time could stand still?

Ryo: Aha!!! That explains it!! The bus didn't come at the right time because you made time stand still!!! Devil spawn ho!!!

**Ryo pulls the Phoenix mirror out of his pocket and throws it at Nozomi like a ninja star. It buzzes her head off like a saw**

Ryo: There!!! Now I must go to England and make sure that the clock on Big Ben is working!!! That's the only way to know that time is no longer standing still!!

Nozomi's Grandmother: There's a clock right there.

Ryo: That doesn't count, now it's off to England!!!

Nozomi's Grandmother: Hey Nozomi, why aren't you moving? Why are you laying down in all that red water? Why is your head thirteen feet away from your body? Dammit girl, get in here and water the flowers!!

**Ryo, meanwhile, runs to the airport. He arrives at the airport and realizes he hasn't the money for a ticket to England**

Ryo: F*** this. I think I'll go back to Dobuita.

**After a long bus ride, Ryo gets back to the familiar Dobuita shopping district. He enters the Tomato Mart and purchases a chocolate bar**

Cashier: Draw a ticket please.

*Ryo picks a ticket.*

Ryo: No win.

Cashier: Especially since you bought merchandise.

Ryo: What?

Cashier: I said "Especially since you bought merchandise."

Ryo: What the hell does that mean?

Cashier: I don't know, it was translated from Japanese. God knows how much the sentence was butchered before they programmed me to blurt it out.

Ryo: I see.