Re: Random Thoughts
Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 4:50 pmNo need...
Q: My friend from Iran has created a time machine. but is lacking a power source. Please could you tell me if these tears are able to power the time machine. I figure it might because they are blue, and I have seen a liquid similar to this running through the veins of the TARDID.
A: State secret: These tears have been powering the country since 2011 when the Russians cut off our oil supply. Every Monday morning George has to go and watch a video of Mrs Thatcher leaving Downing Street for the last time so he can come up with the goods. Be warned though, they are HIGHLY flammable, and will have your eyebrows off as soon as look at you.
---------------------------------
Q: Dear kind sir - I am interested in purchasing this vial for its aphrodisiac qualities. Is it effective as such or will it just make me horny at funerals, and possibly cry?
A: One drop of this stuff, and your paramour will be so hopped up on Tory kink that you'll have an orange in your mouth and a Chelsea shirt up your bum before you can say asphyxiwank.
---------------------------------
Q: Did George actually cry blue tears or have you added dye?
A: The contents of this vial are untainted, uncut, 100% pure salty goodness from the ducts of the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Of course his tears aren't ordinarily that colour, but he underwent and expensive and hideously painful operation to ensure that on Maggie's big day, even his tears were true blue.
---------------------------------
Q: Can I use them to vanquish an ancient demon which is currently spawning on my cellar or will it instead summon more of those? I've previously bought secretions from other evil persons but they have usually brought more grief than empowerment.
A: Dear Alienorbiter, First of all, I'd like that say that's a lovely name you have! And thanks for your interest in George Osborne's duct escapees. I'd also like to say that I'm very sorry to hear about your previous demon trouble. I myself have a pantry that was haunted by Pol Pot for six months (he really likes pickled onions), so I understand your pain. In all probability your previous grief is most likely down to having been sold inferior goods by some form of a charlatan. These tears being the real thing, I can guarantee that they will bring you that demon free lifestyle you so crave, so long as you follow the witchdoctory instructions that come with them. Good luck!
---------------------------------
Q: I have a small bottle containing the bile of Michael Foot. What would happen if we mixed it with George's salty discharge?
A: The immediate realisation of Tony Blair's dream of a Third Way.
---------------------------------
Q: Would it be possible to send this item first class, but only pay for second class?
A: That was an honest misunderstanding which could have happened to any one of us, assuming we had a governmental car and an oversized sense of entitlement. Poor George has suffered enough already and I think to take advantage of the episode for comedic purposes at a time like this is callous at best. Please do still bid for the tears, though.
---------------------------------
Q: Hi, I live in close proximity to a lot of poor people, working families and the like. I need something to treat the borders with in order to keep them from encroaching on my estate (not the council variety my dear, estate as in large property and adjoining land). Will this do the trick? I don't want to actually kill them - just severely inhibit their ability to go about daily life. PS, £5k seemed a little steep, but then again it is small change out of my recent £50k tax break - every little helps!
A: I understand your concerns. Let me put this simply: this shit is like kryptonite to low and middle income families. Just one drop of this on your immaculately paved driveway and a forcefield will be in effect blocking the scum from coming within one mile of the boundaries of your estate. Charmingly, labourers, hired help and any common pieces what you might be having a bit on the side with will be unaffected and still able to service your needs.
---------------------------------
Q: Hi, thanks for calling. Given that these are the real tears of a genuine ginormous cock, what would be the effects if I were to sprinkle them on my tinkle?
A: Hi, thanks for your interest! Studies into the effects of the tears of Tory front bench MPs on penile growth have been scandalously thin on the ground. Here at dingdongmemorabilia we wanted to rectify that. The results are clear. Just one tear results in 48 hours of diamond cutting tumescence. Enjoy!
---------------------------------
Q: What happens if I accidentally get some in my eye?
A: No problem! Simply gouge out your eye with a corkscrew and give it a quick once over with holy water and a brillo pad and it'll be good as new. Related fatalities are few and far between and certainly not something to worry yourself about.
---------------------------------
Q: I'd be very interested in these as a weapon of mass destruction. Do you ship to North Korea? Cheers mate, Kim Jong-un x
A: Dear Kim, Thanks for your interest! Are you a girl? What are you wearing? To the best of my knowledge, these tears are not actually weapons grade. But I'm sure some egg head or other will be able to charge them up a bit. Have fun! Dingdongmemorabilia p.s. Dingdongmeorabilia takes no responsibility for any thermonuclear wars that may arise from misguided use of our products.
