The Link Life (Day 9 Added)

[Realillusion]

Many of you might know me as being the creator of the ShenmueIrony series. These stories are located right here in the Creative Writing Forums.
I know that most stories that are posted in these forums are Shenmue stories but I wanted to share a story from the Legend of Zelda that I wrote a few months ago. It's in the same style as my ShenmueIrony stories. The story spands throughout TEN DAYS. Each Chapter is one day. Unlike my ShenmueIrony stories, this story will be located all under one thread.

This is a story of the hero Link's life after the famous land we all know, Hyrule, finally gains peace and is ridded of violance.

Enjoy!

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The Link Life.

Day 1
"In the name of Link, everybody stop!"

(Lon Lon Ranch) Hyrule Local Time: 7:46 A.M.
(Horse Stalls)

Time: Ten years after Twilight Princess. Hyrule has recovered significantly from the damage caused in Twilight Princess. Zelda's Castle and Castle Town have been completely rebuilt. Hyrule is finally at peace.

Setting: After a long run through the vast fields of Hyrule, Link decides to relieve himself over a nice long talk with Epona. He was losing his mind recently and I suppose for a brief moment, he forgot that horses couldn't talk, much less himself for that matter.

:Link has a seat on a stump near the horse stalls:
:Epona stands next to him:

Link: Do you ever just want to get away?

:Epona neighs:

Link: Me too. I'm sick of this tranquility. I need to move to the city where there's noise. I need to see an automobile for once.

:Malon walks in:

Malon: Hey Link! Want to come horse riding with me?
Link: (down) No. I'm fine.
Malon: What's wrong?
Link: Malon, be honest with me. Aren't you sick of this ranch?
Malon: (chuckling) Well, I've been here my whole life. Dad and I are finally getting along and Mr. Ingo is the nicest he's ever been. Link, you know I'll always be a farm girl.
Link: There's something about that Mr. Ingo. I'm going to find out.

:Mr. Ingo walks in:

Mr. Ingo: You two aren't horsin' around in here are ya?! Hahaha!
Link: Shut the fuck up.
Mr. Ingo: Time for good ol' Epona here to spread them wings.

:Mr. Ingo straps up Epona and directs her out of the stalls:
:Link cuffs his sword and walks out:

(Zelda's Castle) Hyrule Local Time: 8:55 A.M.

:A knock is heard at the door:
:Zelda answers:
:Link stands outside with a perked up face with a bundle of roses:

Link: Hi my love.
Zelda: OOooooOOh Link!

:Link kisses Zelda and invites himself in:
:Zelda takes his roses:

Zelda: How's your day going?
Link: Much better now that I'm here with you.
Zelda: How wonderful.

:Once Link had his back turned, Zelda opens up her window quickly and tosses the flowers out:

Zelda: I'm so glad to see you.
Link: Listen, Zelda, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. Now that Hyrule is at peace, Ganondorf is gone, and I'm not becoming a kid at random times, I think we should finally… well, do it.
Zelda: Have sex?
Link: Wow. I've never heard you say that.
Zelda: I've been thinking a lot. You've saved my life countless time's and there's nothing I could think of that would make a man happier.
Link: That sounds great! I mean, I did just hit puberty a week ago.
Zelda: Sex was at the bottom of my list. I thought you were going to ask me something completely ridiculous, like marriage.
Link: You know that can't happen. I'm with Navi. We have sweet fairy sex all the time.
Zelda: I thought you were a virgin?
Link: Our sex doesn't involve intercourse. You see Zelda, when a man and a fairy get together...
Zelda: (interrupting) Ok. Ok. I can use my imagination.
Link: (winking) That's my girl. So are we going to fuck or what?
Zelda: (smiling) Link, of course not!
Link: And why the hell not?!
Zelda: I can't get the thought of you being that itsy bitsy boy out of my head. You looked so cute when you were coming to save me. I thought of you as my son, not as my sex partner. Geez, you really blew it then.
Link: I can't believe this…

(Castle Town) Hyrule Local Time: 10:03 A.M.
(Dark Alleyway)

::A castle town native man leaves from the backdoor of his house and locks up::
::He had a bookbag full of items strapped to his back::
::He steps on the hard brick road of the alleyway and starts walking with great assurance::
::Out of nowhere, a Lizalfo, the lizard enemy from most of the temples in Twilight Princess, leaps from the building tops and grabs the innocent mans backpack::

Man: Hey there!

::The Lizalfo walks ahead of the man::
::Link runs up from behind and tackles the tricky lizard::
::He was dressed in an armored suit::
::He held the sharp end of his Master Sword to the back of the lizard's head and restrained it::

Link: Castle Town Security. Don't you move or I will chop your fucking head off.
Man: Hey prick. He was helping me carry my things.
Link: Huh?

::The man snatches his bookbag from the ground::

Man: Boy you really suck at this job. You should go back to sailing the sea or something. It's for your own good, Link.
Link: I swear this blasted Lizard is evil! Man I hope I don't get fired, this is already my third strike.

(Castle Town Security Manager's Office) Hyrule Local Time: 10:20 A.M.

Commandering Guard: Your fuckin' fired Link.
Link: Your firing me over a stupid Lizard!
Commandering Guard: They've been helping us out for the past eight years.

::Link looks to his left::
::He sees two Lizalfos helping put a picture on the wall::

Link: It's an act!
Commandering Guard: Last week you set fire to a building because you didn't like the outfit the beautiful Mrs. Louanne was wearing.
Link: Does this have anything to do with me attending Fashion School?
Commandering Guard: And just yesterday you disobeyed the dress code and came to work in your Green Tunic.
Link: I'm still a Hero ya know.
Commandering Guard: You just don't seem to be understanding what's going on in the world. You're one place one day and another the next. Sorry Link, hand in your armor and get out.
Link: I will leave as requested, but I just want you to know, Castle Town will never to safe again!
Commandering Guard: You were here for two weeks Link. Spare me the torture and get the fuck out of my building!

(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 1:15 A.M.
(Link's Hut)

Link: (startled) What the hell is that?!

:Link's cow moo's:
:Navi flies in through the window:

Navi: It's your cow.
Link: (taking off his cap) I'm losing my mind Navi.

:Link plops down on his bed:

Navi: Rough day?
Link: Got fired from the town. It was a joke anyways.
Navi: Saving the day isn't cutting it for you, huh?
Link: What day do I save?! Everyone is happy. There's no violence anymore. I tackled this kid at the market yesterday because I was bored. Something's got to give.
Navi: Go beyond your limits. Go beyond your comfort level.
Link: You're right. I should.
Navi: That's the spirit!
Link: I should expand my horizons.
Navi: There you go!
Link: I should walk outside and start stabbing everybody! YEAH! Thank's Navi.
Navi: Anytime Link!

:Link runs out with his sword armed:

Link: KAAABLAAAHHH BITCHES!!
Navi: Wait… uhhh… Link!

:Navi flies out:

(Lon Lon Ranch) Hyrule Local Time: 3:45 P.M.
(Malon's House)

:Link barges into Malon's House:
:He rudely interrupts Malon and Talon's milk time:

Link: Malon, where's Epona?
Talon: The stalls with Mr. Ingo.
Malon: Can't you see we're having milk time?

(Lon Lon Ranch)

:Link stands to the side of the stall doors and takes out his Ocarina:

Link: Let's see how nice Mr. Ingo really is.

:Link plays "Epona's Song":
:Epona runs out of the stalls:
:Mr. Ingo runs out behind with his pants to his ankles:

Link: (pointing) I knew it!
Mr. Ingo: Oh dear.
Link: You've been violating poor Epona! I should banish you now you sick fuck!
Mr. Ingo: I always offer free cookies to little boys. Teeheehehe.
Link:…..
Epona:…..
Mr. Ingo:…..

:Malon skips out of her house with a pale of milk:

Link: Malon. Mr. Ingo here has been going beyond the regular "horse caring" standards.
Malon: He's such a great guy. Isn't he?
Link: (looking back at Mr. Ingo) Your in trial now sucker.

:Mr. Ingo gulps:

Malon: And every Saturday morning, when Dad delivers our fresh Milk to the castle, he babysits me all day!
Link: I'll be watching you Ingo.
Mr. Ingo: (nervously) Good to know.

(Lake Hylia) Hyrule Local Time: 4:30 P.M.

Link: The fish should really be biting now.

(Fishing Pond)

:Link reels his rod in, thinking he caught a big one:

Link: (examining his hook) Nothing….
Fish Pond Worker: You don't have good bait.
Link: What do you recommend?
Fish Pond Worker: The Super Juicy Lightning Vicious Horned Worm.
Link: Oh really?
Fish Pond Worker: (shrugs) It's new.
Link: I'll buy it.

:Link takes out his wallet of rubies:

Fish Pond Worker: Your rich!
Link: I'd like to think so.
Fish Pond Worker: I haven't seen that much money since I left the fishing pond.
Link: Which was?
Fish Pond Worker: Since the skies turned gray…
Link:….
Fish Pond Worker: (zoning out) Since she left…
Link:….
Fish Pond Worker: I haven't left since…. I never leave….
Link: Right. Can I have my bait now?
Fish Pond Worker: (snapping out of his trance) Right then! There you go.

(?) Hyrule Local Time: 8:09 P.M.

Ganondorf: Fear not men. Our day has come.
Man #1: We're going to take over Hyrule!
Ganondorf: Let us not get too ahead of ourselves. We still have a pesky little boy in our way.
Man #2: He's not that little anymore.
Ganondorf: Well I'll be a Giraffe's asshole.

:Man #1 hands Ganondorf an issue of a magazine called "Hylians Gone Wild! September Issue":
:Link was on the front of the cover, strutting his stuff:

Ganondorf: I can't believe this made the charts! He's definitely being abominated now! Men, gather our weapons. Soon we will we move. It's time for Hyrule to see the true side of evil once more.

[Realillusion]

The Link Life.

Link's "Day 1" Memory: Hyrule has been ridded of Evil and peace around this vast land has finally peaked. Kids are straying apart from their parents without a fear in the world, teenage Hyrulians are sneaking strangers into their bedrooms without any sort of danger, ghouls are no longer stalking innocent travelers who venture the lands of Hyrule, and all just seems swell… except this isn't a memory our hero Link wants. Dragging his feet through the fields of Hyrule, everything seems so bleak now. You could say all of the happiness of everyone was enraging Link on the inside. Could he even become the bad guy because of this? He wants there to be evil, and he wants Hyrule to see a hero once more, himself. Link was suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and there was no way this fairy boy was letting up.

Day 2
"This is my big chance!"

(The Lost Woods) Hyrule Local Time: 9:45 A.M.
(Random Tree Stump)

Setting: Anytime Link was in the Lost Woods, he pretty much considered himself insane and a bore with no life. But it was a playground to him and I guess the sensation of being lost was kind of an escape.

::Link loses his breath from running and takes a rest on a nearby stump:

Link: (taking out the Ocarina) I think I'll play a new song.

::Link tries to make up a new song:
::He inhales dust from the inside of the Ocarina:
::He coughs like a thirty year smoker::

Link: (gagging) It's been a while.

::Link stares into the distance::

Link: Wish I could turn into a werewolf again. I'd dart through these woods and the land of Hyrule in a flash. God I miss those days. I can't do anything now. I'm retired. Minus well enroll in another Super Smash Bros. game again.

::Navi flies out from one of the dark holes:

Navi: There you are! Link, thank God I found you!
Link: What? Does another Kokiri boy need help building a tree house?
Navi: Trouble!
Link: (sliding out his sword) Where?!
Navi: Follow me!

(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 10:00 A.M

Villagers: He's a mad man!!

::Link and Navi arrive at the scene::
::An outsider, certainly didn't look Kokiri, holds a sharp knife blade up to a little Kokirian boys throat::

Outsider Man: I'll kill him!
Villagers: Link do something!
Link: (whispering to Navi with a smile) Let's keep this between us but… I'm an expert negotiator. Ever since I've been able to talk, every single word that comes out of my mouth has been explosive. It's like… a new profound perspective on life. It's so intriguing…

Flashback: Not that long ago… probably like five days or something…

(One bright day in Kokiri Forest)
(Link's Hut)

::Link awakes bright and early, stretches, fetches his clothes from his homemade can steamed dryer, buttons up his green outfit, and yawns::

Link: …………..
Links Cow: Sucks doesn't it?

::The birds chirped outside and it was just another day in Hyrule::
::Link walks out of his hut and trips::
::He falls off his porch and lands on his face::

Link: Wow that hurt!
Gardener Lady: You spoke Link!
Link: (eyes gleaming with happiness) That I did!

::The whole village breaks out into a musical::

Link: (singing in a surprisingly deep tone) I can talk, yes its true,
Words can pass from me to yooouuu!!!

::Link slides over to the gardener lady and starts to dance with her::

Link: (continuing to sing) I'm hear to save the day in a whole new waaayyy!!!

::Link slides away from the lady. The lady smiles brightly::

Link: (singing) No more comprehending and now it's time to for some extending! (kneeling down at a little boy trying to find rubies) It's ok little one you'll get your chance, now I'm going to call up Zelda and have me some romance! YEAH!

(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 10:00 A.M.

::Link snaps out of his trance::

Outsider Man: This boy is dead!
Navi: Link! Hurry and do something!
Link: (extending his arm) Wait!

::Link draws in closer to the man::

Link: It's ok. I know where your coming from. I'm an outsider too.
Outside Man: Yeah right!
Link: It's ok to express your anger. I couldn't do it for a very long time. But now I'm a changed man. Let's talk.

::Just when Link thought this was his big chance to save the day, a random arrow strikes the Outsider Man in the neck and he falls to the ground, dead::
::The arrow was shot from the right by the Kokiri Forest janitor::
::There really isn't anywhere that needs cleaning in Kokiri Forest, so that makes this janitor completely useless::

Link: That's some bullshit!
Kokiri Forest Janitor: Power to my people!

::The Janitor becomes mayor of Kokiri Forest::

(Lake Hylia) Hyrule Local Time: 10:05 A.M.

::Link got to lake Hylia in two minutes… he must of really wanted to fish::
::Epona died near the lake::
::Link decides to skip lunch and hunt for his own fish in the Fishing Pond::
::He could of did the hunt in the regular lake but I suppose he just wanted to piss somebody off::

(Fishing Pond)

::Link was highly frustrated from the past incident::
::He starts to shoot arrows at the fish in the pond::

Fish Pond Worker: Please listen to the rules.
Link: I can do what I want!
Fish Pond Worker: (looking up at the sky) Fuck my life.

(Somewhere in Hyrule Field) Hyrule Local Time: 11:10 A.M.

::Link plays the Song of Storms for five hours straight::
::The rain falls only overtop of him::
::He created a new lake::

(Lon Lon Ranch) Hyrule Local Time: 4:45 P.M.
(Malon's House)

::Link barges into Malon's house::
::He rudely interrupts Malon and Talon's special time, again::
::The two of them stare at Link::

Link: (drenched in water) Milk time?
Talon: (cheering his drink with a smile) Alcohol time!

(Lon Lon Ranch)

Malon: What's up Link?
Link: (whispering frantically) Malon, run away with me.
Malon: What happened to you?
Link: Forget that. Are you in or out?
Malon: I have to take my horse.
Link: Sure. That's fine. I'll give you an adventure.

[Realillusion]

The Link Life

Links "Day 2" Memory: Hyrule is at peace and Link is hating every aspect of it. He finally believes Ganon has died after the numerous times he has killed him. Even though he's never really sure, but he has a good idea. Yesterday, Link had a good chance of becoming a hero and building his reputation up again by saving a boy who was held hostage. Plans changed when Kokiri Forest's Janitor killed Link's perpetrator instead of Link killing him. Now Link is furious and decides to abandon trying to become a hero and run away with Malon, his love interest. (Though I'm not really sure what Link wants to do with Malon. This motive is certainly unclear.)

Day 3
"Time to make a positive change"

(Lon Lon Ranch) Hyrule Local Time: 9:00 A.M.
(Outside of Malon's House)

Setting: Link patiently waits outside of Malon's House for her to get her things ready before Link and her venture off.

Link: Where is that girl?
Malon: (running out of the house) Sorry I took so long. I had to grab my things.

::Malon had a couple duffle bags strapped over her shoulders::
::Her legs were shaking::

Malon: Could you help me Link? These bags are awfully heavy.

::Link turns his back to Malon, talking over his shoulder::

Link: No time. We must move.
Malon: L-Link…

(Hyrule Field) Hyrule Local Time: 9:02 A.M.
(Right outside of Lon Lon Ranch)

::Link spots Zelda riding her white horse across Hyrule::

Link: What is the princess doing riding by herself?! I must catch up with her.

::Link plays Epona's song::
::Link then remembers that Epona died yesterday::

Link: Shit…

::Link leaves Malon and runs down Hyrule field, running into eyes view of Zelda::
::Zelda stops her horse::

Zelda: (squinting eyes) Link?
Link: What are you doing riding out here by yourself?!
Zelda: I'm traveling to Goron City for some much needed supplies.
Link: Yeah well you're Princess Zelda. Your name is on the cover of the game and you're not riding out here like this by yourself.
Zelda: Link. Little boy. Your not getting any ass talking to me like that.

::Zelda rides off::
::Links face turns red::
::He had no way to catch up to her::

Link: Fuuuuck!!!

(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 10:15 A.M.
(Link's Hut)

::Link lays in his bed and thinks of what to do next::
::He remembers Malon and that he left her outside of Lon Lon Ranch::

Link: Malon! I'm such a terrible guy.

::Navi flies through the window::

Navi: You're not a bad guy Link. You've just lost your way a little.
Link: My memory is shot Navi. I've been increasingly forgetful ever since I took that amazing ecstasy and stumbled around Hyrule in a belligerent haze for an entire week.
Navi: You were a late bloomer.
Link: Man I should visit that trippy scarecrow again. He had good stuff.
Navi: Don't you dare!
Link: I'm sorry, never again, but what am I do to Navi? A week ago I walked up to a random stranger and they didn't even know who I was. A few years ago, I couldn't walk in a hundred mile radius without someone running up to me in excitement.
Navi: Yeah you really blew it.
Link:…..
Navi: Uhmm, get out there and stop being a whiny bitch!
Link: Oh alright. I guess I'll go join the Hyrule Peace Core and try to earn my first star.
Navi: That's the spirit!

(Hyrule Castle) Hyrule Local Time: 12:05 P.M.
(The Market)
(A building called "Make a Change, every single Day!")

::Link stands in a line with retired war veterans, ruffled up men who just got bail from prison, and Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7::

Commander of Group:(drill sergeant tone) So y'all think you can make change?! Positive contributions to the land of Hyrule?! It's about time y'all stopped bein' fuck-ups!

::Link had to turn in his sword along with all other weapons throughout this process::

Commander of Group: Earning your first star won't be easy! This will be an uneasy and vigorous process leadin' up to becoming Big Boy of the Peace Alliance! You will be respected as a top member but still probably treated like dirt for the most part.

::The commander walks down the line and stops in front of Link::

Commander of Group:(spitting in Link's face while talking) So don't screw up!

::Link wipes the spit off of his face::

(?) Hyrule Local Time: 12:30 P.M.

Ganondorf: (evilly) He… he…. he….
Man #1: What Ganon? Whats so funny?
Ganondorf: I have an idea.
Man #1 and #2:…….
Ganondorf: Our first stop to conquering Hyrule will be to cause complete and utter chaos. We will corrupt, we will manipulate, and we will take over once more.
Man #1: How will we do this?
Ganondorf: We will start by booming the business known as prostitution.
Man #2: I like your thinking Ganon!
Ganondorf: Please, call me Ganondorf, I like when the "dorf" part is emphasized. Makes people think I'm a small man and than when they see me, their all terrified!
Man #1: Holy shit your good!
Ganondorf: Ha… ha… ha… no but seriously, we're going to hire prostitutes, get as many people to fuck these sluts, corrupt their minds, and then think of something else that will be complete genius that in the end people will be like "Wow, I never saw that coming!"
Man #1 and #2: Brilliant!

(Hyrule Castle) Hyrule Local Time: 4:00 P.M.
(Zelda's Room)

::A knock is heard at the door::
::Zelda answers::
::Link stands outside with a perked up face and piece of paper::

Zelda: Yes?
Link: (reading the paper) Her hair is as radiant as the sun,
Her lips are as red as the roses…

::Zelda's heart melts::
::She starts to smile lovingly at Link::

Link: (reading the paper) Her breasts are as big as the mountains,
With an ass that you would want to pound like a salvation army drum…

Zelda: OooOooh Link!

::Zelda pulls Link into her room::
::The door slams::

(Five minutes later)

::Zelda puts Link's poem into a frame and hangs it over her bed::

Zelda: That was art, Link. So how was your day?
Link: (aggravated) I joined the Hyrule Peace Alliance.
Zelda: I'm sorry, the what?
Link: I'm a little confused about earlier.
Zelda: Oh, were you expecting sex?
Link: No I was expecting one of those long conversations where you really get to know someone, yes sex.
Zelda: Oh Link. Why do you keep trying to get into my pants? Is it the royalty that turns you on?
Link: No, I'm a man and you're a woman and I've saved your life like a million times.
Zelda: I'm seeing someone.
Link: Who?
Zelda: Mr. Ingo.
Link: The horse rapist?!
Zelda: The horse what?

::Mr. Ingo walks out of Zelda's closet wearing nothing but a pillow covering his privates::

Mr. Ingo: Howdy.
Link: Your kidding me right?

(Hyrule Field) Hyrule Local Time: 4:30 P.M.

::Link walks through the field lonely, depressed, and feeling down::
::It was raining on him::
::He didn't feel like playing the Song of Storms::

Link: What has happened to me… why me… why… whhhyyy?!?!

::Link falls to his knees and lifts his hands towards the sky::
::A newspaper hits his knees::
::The Magazine was called "Hyrule Times" and the headline read "Prostitution hits Hyrule! Only in Gerudo Valley"::
::Link carries the newspaper home with him::
::He spends the rest of the day helping out kids around Kokiri Forest with fighting techniques and basic everyday survival skills::
::This helped him sleep better that night::

[Realillusion]

The Link Life

Links "Day 3" Memory: Our Hero Link's world has now been crushed. Peace is shrouding Hyrule, Hyrule no longer looks at him as a Hero, he ditched Malon for Zelda, Zelda is cheating on him with Mr. Ingo, Epona died because Link rode him to death to Lake Hylia because he wanted to eagerly fish, and why the hell are all these people still young 80 years after Ocarina of Time?

Link:(scratching his head) Good question…

Don't think too hard about it, Link. Just go with the flow. This strange and unusual story now continues…

Day 4
"I feel a change comin' on"

(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 6:30 A.M.
(Link's Hut)

Setting: It was a new start for Link. He knew that his past worries were bringing him down so he just decided to let life take it's natural course like the normal folkes do. Link rested in his house in Kokiri Forest and his mind so eagerly wanted to wake and get the day started!

::Link wakes up and stretches::
::A little blue bird lands on his windowsill and chirps::

Link: Today will be a good day. Forget the past.

::A dark shadow moves over Link's hut::
::Link starts to shiver::

Link: Hmmm…

(Kakariko Village) Hyrule Local Time: 7:17 A.M.
(Potion Shop)

Store Owner: Hello.
Link: I'd like a three green potions and a red one please.
Store Owner: Right then. That'll three hundred rupees.
Link: Three hundred?
Store Owner: Forced charity for blind kids.
Link: Hmmm…

::Link pays up::

Store Owner: Have a good day.
Link: Thanks

::Link leaves::

Store Owner: (counting the rupees) Haha… stupid fuck.

(Hyrule Field) Hyrule Local Time: 7:19 A.M.
(Outside of Kakariko Village)

Link: Man oh man. I wish Epona was here right now. My legs are getting tired.

::Epona neighs::

Link: What?

::Epona rides up::

Link: Epona! Your alive!

::Link pets her softly and jumps on her::

Link: Yeah girl! Gide up!

(Hyrule Castle) Hyrule Local Time: 7:30 A.M.
(Castle Town)
(Purlo's Star Circus)

::Link plays the star game::
::He collects all of the orbs in the time period::

Game Owner: Well congratulations! You won the prize!
Link: Yes!

::The Owner gives Link three thousand rupees::

Link: Wow. I'm set now.
Game Owner: Your real lucky, kid.

::Everything seemed to be going Link's way::

(Castle Town) Hyrule Local Time: 7:45 A.M.

::Link was trying to find a safe spot to put his rupees::
::Suddenly, an overwhelming sensation of darkness sweeps his body::
::A white fog moves over top of the town::

Link: (panic) Twilight Realm! Twilight Realm!

::Link starts to roar::

Link: I'm a wolf again! I must save the people of this town!

::Link runs up to a random guard::

Link: Help me! We need to get these people out of here! They're going to be trapped!
Guard: Ok, calm down buddy.
Link: You don't understand, we need to get them out of here now!!
Guard: (angrily) Hey, I said calm down.
Link: Did you not hear me you asshole! I said we're all going to die!!!

::Another guard walks over::

Guard #2: Is there a problem here?
Link: Yes, as you can see I have turned into a wolf, and I'm getting angry. You all are going to be trapped in darkness. The Twilight Realm is back people!

::The two guard whisper to each other::
::One of them smiles::
::Guard #2 walks behind Link and injects him with a sleeping potion::
::Link whales in panic then everything goes black::

(Hyrule Castle) Hyrule Local Time: 9:00 A.M.

::Link slowly wakes up::
::He finds himself upside down::
::Far beneath him, probably a hundred feet, was the gully to Zelda's Castle::
::He was being hung upside down, off the edge from the roof of the castle, by the two Castle Town guards::

Guard #1: Who are you? No slip ups buddy.
Link: I'm Link. I used to be a guard for Castle Town.
Guard #2: Oh yeah. The Hero of Time and the savior of the Twilight Realm right?
Link: Yes!
Guard #2: You're the guy Princess Zelda says has a small penis.
Link: She said what?!

::The two guards laugh and throw Link off the edge::
::Link falls down the side of the castle and smacks into the ground::
::Everything goes black::

(Hyrule Castle) Hyrule Local Time: 1:32 P.M.

::Link awakens from licks by Epona::
::He had a huge headache, his body ached from head to toe and all of his rupees were taken::
::He pets Epona::

Link: Least I have you buddy. People in this town just don't know how to treat a Hero.

::Link looks up at the castle::

Link: Small penis huh? I'll show her.

(Zelda's Room) Hyrule Local Time: 1:45 P.M.

::A knock was hard at the door::
::Zelda answers::
::Link was outside with his pants to the floor::

Zelda: Link? But I told you I'm with-

::Link grabs Zelda and starts making out with her::
::Zelda resists at first but then starts to like it and gives in::
::Link and Zelda fall on the Master Master bed::
::Mr. Ingo walks out of Zelda's bathroom wearing a sparkling thong and a long black haired wig with a forced on tan::

Mr. Ingo: (sensually) I'm ready for my close up Mrs. Deville.

::Ingo spots Zelda and Link::

Mr. Ingo: Hmmm…

::Ingo walks out::
::Link rips Zelda's purple dress off::
::Zelda was ready for action::
::Suddenly, a black shadow overwhelms Link::
::It surrounds him::
::Link starts to sniff Zelda up and down like an animal::

Zelda: OooOOh Link! You're an animal!
Link: (freaking out) The Twilight Realm! It's back!
Zelda: What?

::Link punches Zelda as hard as he can::
::Zelda passes out::

Link: We gotta get out of here! This place is evil!

::Link grabs a nearby candle and starts setting the place on fire::
::Nearby guards quickly smell the flames and storm Zelda's room::
::Link is seen standing near the window, his body halfway outside::

Guards: Sieze that boy!

::Link tries to retrieve Zelda but the guards rush him::
::He swings his shield to the front of him and knocks one of the threatening guards to the ground. He didn't want to hurt any of them::
::The other two guards rush Link::
::Link shields their attacks and quickly swipes in front of them with his sword as means of intimidation::
::More guard rush the room::
::The room fills with smoke and fire::
::Link couldnt fend off the guards without getting killed or captured so he makes a quick U-turn, whistles for Epona, and jumps out of the window, landing directly on Epona::

Link: Go Epona! Go!

::Link and Epona ride off::

(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 2:15 P.M.
(Link's Hut)

Link: There's no Twilight Realm is there Epona?

::Epona neighs::

Link: I must be losin' it. I embarrassed myself at the town and the castle. There's no more for me.

::Link takes out all of his weapons and hides them away, far and deep away::

Kokirian Lady: (behind Link) Your giving up?
Link: Yes.
Kokirian Lady: But there's more to be done.
Link: No. That's it for me. I'm getting a job and living like a normal person. I will find a beautiful woman and have sex with her. We will have a boy and a girl. The boy will be a mute. The girl will be a flower girl. Each will have their own fairies. This woman and I will live happily ever after.
Kokirian Lady: May I be this woman?

::Link turns around::

Link: (passionately) Yes.

::Link runs his fingers gallantly through this random and quite frankly, not heard of until now woman from Kokiri forest's hair::
::The two start to kiss::
::The rest of the day was completing the road to destiny…::
::The newspaper for the prostitution still laid on Link's table::
::Maybe still a possible interest?
::Navi nor Epona had entrance rights for the rest of the day::

::However, Link's cow got lucky and got to watch::

[Spokane]

Does anyone actually read these?

[Realillusion]

Does anyone actually read these?

dont know. im gonna post the ten chapters I have anyways

[Realillusion]

The Link Life

(Ordon Village) Hyrule Local Time: 10:12 A.M.

Random Woman: Help! Help! My son!

::The "Legend of Zelda Theme Song" plays::
::Link slides out of his house, wearing nothing but a bathrobe::
::His brawny muscles became distinct in the sunlight::
::He rested his hands on his side::

Link: (lifting an eyebrow) Is there a problem?
Random Woman: My son has been taken! The man rode off that way! Hurry!
Link: Fear not, your son is safe lady.

::Link flashes into his house and back out within seconds::
::He was fully clothed in his green attire::
::He whistles for Epona::
::He hopes on her and rides off::

Link: (whipping Epona) Ya!

(Hyrule Field) Hyrule Local Time: 10:13 A.M.

::Link closely apprehends the enemy from behind::

Kidnapped Boy: (captive around the bad guy's arms) Help me!
Link: Don't worry kid!
Bad Guy: (looking over his shoulder) Take this.

::The bad guy throws a bomb at Link::
::Link evades::
::The bad guy drops a bombuchu::
::Epona hurls over it::
::Link takes out his bow n arrow and shoots a light arrow at the ground next to the bad guys horse::
::The bad guy and the horse are stunned::
::Link tosses a boomerang at the legs of the bad guys horse::
::The bad guys horse starts to stumble::
::Link rides by the side of the horse and scoops the kidnapped kid in his arms::
::The bad guy and his horse fall to the ground::
::Link makes a U-turn and stops next to the bad guy on the ground::

Bad Guy: (injured) Who are you man?!
Link: I'm Link…. and you're going to face justice.

Day 5
"Family Man"

(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 8:30 A.M.
(Link's Hut)

::Link gets slapped out of his dream::
::The Kokirian Lady stands over him::
::Link groans::

Kokirian Lady: Rise and shine.
Link: (shielding his eyes from the morning light) Who are you?
Kokirian Lady: Hello! We had sex last night.
Link: (scratching his head) Geez.
Kokirian Lady: Get up. There's work to do. I've been up for two hours and already I've swept the hut, fed your cow, and spread news to the forest that we're now dating.
Link: (overjoyed) Alright!
Kokirian Lady: I've also sold your gay green outfit….
Link: What?!
Kokirian Lady: Yes. You're sleeping naked right now.
Link: (looking under his sheets) Oh man.
Kokirian Lady: I met with Princess Zelda after a stressful attempt to get permission from the guards. I told her the news…
Link: Huh?!
Kokirian Lady: And I moved in so you're goin' to have to find a job today.
Link: Geez….

Link's "Day 4" Memory: Link now feels twenty years ahead of his time even though he was a kid and teenager for a hundred years or so. He has now been woken up to the realities of life. Everything was going perfect yesterday before he started to get random flashbacks of the Twilight Realm which has forever scarred him. He has given up the Hero thing and is now focused on being a loving husband and father.

(Intervention) Hyrule Local Time: 10:00 A.M.
(Class Meeting)

Setting: Link needed professional help for his Twilight Realm flashbacks. He will start by going to therapy for his Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and god knows, there are other things he needed help with too.

::Link sits in a circle consisting of a goron, zora, thief, and two war veterans::

Instructor: Ok. Let's face it. You all screwed up.

::Link scratches his head::
::Stress balls were passed around the group::

Instructor: Let's start by learning a little bit about each other. (looking at Link) You can start.

::Link stands up::

Link: (squeezing on his ball) Well, where to start. I was a mute for a hundred years….

::Everyone looks oddly at Link::

Link: Yeah it really sucked. Verbal communication is a very important thing in all aspects of life. Anyways, I saved Hyrule a few times, traveled the ocean and saw beautiful things, turned into a kid and wolf to fight crime, fought hideous monsters that you couldn't even imagine, and now I'm pretty much fucked in the head from it all.

::Link has a seat::

Instructor: Fascinating.

(Kakariko Village) Hyrule Local Time: 12:22 P.M.
(Potion Shop)
(Back Room)

Manager: What experience do you have Mr…
Link: Names Link. I'm the former Hero of Hyrule. I worked the nine to five killing bad guys. I'm qualified.
Manager: Right. What makes you think you will be an outstanding employee in this position?
Link: Living most of my life as a mute, I've had to attend to the needs of others without any form of verbal objection. I've just had to do it. So I've become accustomed to the demands of others and will willingly attend to them. As you can see, being a mute for so long hasn't hindered by ability to express a great vocabulary either….

::Link laughs jokingly::

Manager: Mr. Link, obviously you're horrible jokes mean you aren't taking this interview seriously….

::Link gulps::

Manager: Ah what the hell, your hired.
Link: You won't regret it!

(Hyrule Field) Hyrule Local Time: 1:31 P.M.

::Link picks up trash along with his other members of the Hyrule Peace Alliance::
::He had just earned his second star::
::He felt good about himself::
::He was convincing himself that he wasn't trying to be a hero no longer and just doing a good deed::

(Kakariko Village) Hyrule Local Time: 2:55 P.M.
(Potion Shop)

::Link puts on a specialized store outfit along with a hat::

Manager: Time to make your first delivery. You will start the nine to five shift tomorrow.
Link: Let's get to it.
Manager: You know, I've been doin' deliveries for thirty-two years.
Link: Impressive.
Manager: Yeah. Your gonna hate it.

::The manager leaves::
::Because Link spent so long being a hero, it was only natural that a lot of his old habits would carry over into his job, such as: strategy and directional skills, and to be able to race against time::
::He incoperated all of these thing's into his job without knowing::

Link: (pressing his hat down tightly on his head) There's potions that must be delivered.

Random Narrator: (James Earl Jones Voice) After six repetitive hours of riding Epona back and forth from the shop to costumer's houses, carrying heavy bags of bottled potions and fairies, you could say that Link was getting a little chink eyed, but there was one more delivery he had for the day. One that could change his entire story around…

(Random House) Hyrule Local Time: 9:00 P.M.
(Front Door)

::Link knocks::
::The door opens but no one was there to greet Link::

Link: (sticking his head in) Kakariko Potion Shop. We'll heal you.
? Man: (coughing) Come in.

::Link walks in::
::The house was a mess::
::There was clothes all over the floor, the bed wasn't made, ash trays full of cigarettes, and beer bottles knocked over and falling off the counters::
::In front of Link, there was a chair that was rocking::
::The chair turned around::
::A man in a white, stained t-shirt and boxers was rocking in the chair::

Shigeru Miyamoto: Hello Link.
Link: Hi.
Shigeru Miyamoto: Ya know, I'm truly ashamed of you.

::Shigeru takes a drag off his cigarette, followed up by a shot of whiskey::

Shigeru Miyamoto: What are you doing with your life?
Link: Excuse me? I'm working to support a family here.

::Shigeru makes an attempt to stand up::

Shigeru Miyamoto: (wobbling) Yeah well your fucking up!
Link: Who do you think you are? Your not my Father.
Shigeru Miyamoto: Sure 'bout that?

::Link takes out Shigeru's potions and puts them on the counter::

Link: That'll be a hundred and fifty rupees.

::Shigeru pays::
::Link heads for the door::

Shigeru Miyamoto: I know why you're running, Link.

::Link stops, his back faced towards Shigeru::

Shigeru Miyamoto: I'm a fan, always have been. I made you out in my mind to be the best hero ever. This isn't you. You are trapped like the rest of those losers out there. I mean look at me! I made bad choices!

::Shigeru burps::
::Link wrinkles his nose::

Shigeru Miyamoto: Phew. Sorry.
Link: Uh huh.
Shigeru Miyamoto: But seriously, you will regret it if you stick to this lifestyle. Be you Link. Be a Hero.
Link: I'm done being a hero! Shut up and snort that cocaine over there!
Shigeru Miyamoto: (smiling) Gettin' right to that.

::Link runs out, aggravated::
::Shigeru's horse neighs in his bathroom::

Shigeru Miyamoto: Quiet in there!

[Realillusion]

The Link Life

Link's "Day 5" Memory: During this peaceful time in Hyrule, Link has been bored to tears. He tried to recapture his heroic life but it just wasn't working. He left the life completely and decided to deliver potions for the Potion Shop in Kakariko Village. He also met Shigeru Miyamoto, who tried to get him back into the "Saving the World" scene…. what's that about?

Day 6
"Are you really black at heart, Link?"

(Ganon's Office) Hyrule Local Time: 7:20 A.M.

Man #1: Good morning Ganondorf.
Ganondorf: Please, call me Master.
Man #1: Sure. Good morning Master.
Ganondorf: Yes?
Man #2: The prostitution business is booming. Sales are pouring in from left and right. We even have people coming in from Termina Field.
Ganondorf: Excellent. Now we must figure out another brilliant scheme to screw thing's up.
Man #1: The best thing about it all is that kid Link is out of our way.
Ganondorf: Whatever do you mean?
Man #2: He's a Potion Delivery Boy for Kakariko Village…

::Man #1 and #2 stood in suspense, waiting to see if their news would receive positive feedback from Ganon::

Ganondorf: (smiling) He… he… he… what a jackass!

::All three of them laugh::

Ganondorf: Could it possibly be a way to throw is off?!
Man #1: Not a chance!

::All three of them continue laughing::

Ganondorf: God I love my life. I'm an evil son of a bitch!
Man #1: You the man, gan. Get it?!

::The three laugh harder::

Ganondorf: Alright! Let's go regulate some hookers. I swear I haven't had this much fun since I had to sleep with that male guard to escape the Evil Realm.

(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 8:00 A.M.
(Link's Hut)

Setting: Link had himself a nice morning session training at the archery just to keep a fine tune on his arrow skills. He figured if he was going to let everything else in his life go to hell, hence marriage, then he was going to at least be able to shoot his bow n arrow sharply. He returned home to his hut where he would get a morning lay from his wife and head off to work. Maybe even put on a construction hat before he leaves for shits and giggles, and now I will begin the story with a very unoriginal and played out opening line…

Link: Honey, I'm home!

::Link's cow moos::
::He spots the Kokirian Lady, his wife, lying on the ground… dead::
::Her throat had been split::
::A note was tacked to her chest::
::Link kneels down to read the note::
::The note read "Meet me at the prison where we first met"
::Link's first thought was Martha, a big black man he befriended when he was in prison a few years back, but that was just during Link's gangster days and had no real sense of importance::
::Link could only think of one other jail::
::Link rubs the Kokirian Lady's face::

Link: I didn't even know your name.

(Jail) Hyrule Local Time: 8:35 A.M.

::The jail was abandoned::
::Link had his sword armed::
::The lights were off and there were cobwebs everywhere::
::Link got an eerie feeling down his spine::
::Flashbacks of being held captive haunted him::

Link: Feels like it was just yesterday that I was here.

::A strange dime sized light appears before Link::
::The light explodes and fills Link's vision with brightness::
::Link shields his eyes::
::Midna appears before Link::

Midna: Hello Link.
Link: Midna?!
Midna: Well John, but that's a long story.
Link: Right.
Midna: I called upon you today for a very particular and important reason.
Link:….
Midna: You know your voice is kind of sexy.
Link: Really?
Midna: Oh yeah. You know, if you were able to talk during Twilight Princess, you might have had a chance with me.
Link: (winking) How 'bout now?
Midna: Nah you blew it.
Link: Heard that before.

::Link and Midna disappear into a ray of light::

(Death Mountain) Hyrule Local Time: 8:40 A.M.
(Peak)

Link: What the hell?
Midna: Welcome back to the Twilight Realm, Link.

::Link looks upon Hyrule Field and sees that it was surrounded in Twilight::

Link: Is this for real?
Midna: In your mind. You wanted to save Hyrule again, now is your chance.
Link: What do you mean in my mind?
Midna: Hyrule is still a peaceful reality. But to you, it's evil and disgusting.
Link: No no no, Midna. You got it all wrong. I want people to see I'm saving the world. I don't want to look like a complete idiot, running around Castle Town killing invisible goons.
Midna: I thought you, yourself, wanted to be a Hero. Why do other people have to get involved?
Link: Alright listen bitch. Bring me back to reality right now!
Midna: I never said I was your friend.

::Midna floats up in the air::

Link: Hey! Come back! Your just gonna leave me up here?!

::Midna flashes away::

Link: Great.

::Link's stop watch goes off::
::He had to be at work in fifteen minutes::
::He heard a growling sound behind him::

(Kakariko Village) Hyrule Local Time: 12:03 P.M.
(Potion Shop)

::Link runs in the shop and slams the door::
::His employee outfit was ripped to shreads::
::He had bruises and cuts all over him::

Link: Animals…
Manager: Uhhmm…
Link: (turning around) Hi. I slept in. Ya know… hehe…
Manager: Your fired. Get out.
Link: Right.

(Castle Town) Hyrule Local Time: 12:45 P.M.

::Link runs around in panic, swinging his sword aimlessly at imaginary Bari's and Chus::
::He causes a great deal of commotion and ends up getting arrested::

(Castle Town Jail) Hyrule Local Time: 1:18 P.M.
(Cell)

Link: Great…
Cellmate: What you in for?
Link: You wouldn't believe me even if I told you.
Cellmate: Try me.
Link: I'm stuck in a dark realm surrounded in evil twilight called the Twilight Realm. My only friend is this little creature who also turns into this hott smokin' chick called Midna. I'm suppose to be a wolf in this realm but apparently I'm not this time so I'm just running around thinking weird creatures are chasing me and looking like a complete ass with my face completely exposed. I'm probably going to be on the front page of Hyrule Times tomorrow.
Cellmate: Sounds like a bad acid trip.

::The cellmate sits next to Link::

Cellmate: It's ok though. We all have each other.

::The cellmate puts his arm around Link::

Link: I always thought my first forced sexual experience would be with Zelda for some reason. Guess I was wrong…

Random Narrator: Link ends up escaping from prison but only because his inspiration was his cellmate, who he formally spent special cell time with, turned into a giant electronic blob and tried to chase him around his cell. Or that's what Link imagined. So by means of escape, Link fled from prison and figured the only person who wouldn't consider him a complete nut at this time was Princess Zelda.

(Zelda's Castle) Hyrule Local Time: 5:30 P.M.
(Dining Room)

::Zelda sat in the middle of a long stretched out wooden, elegant table filled with food in a highly ornate room::
::At each end of the table were the other two Royal Family members: The King and Queen of Hyrule::

King: Let us pray.

::Link barges into the room wearing a Castle Town Jail outfit::
::The hallway behind him was full of smoke, fire, and random people screaming::

Link: (armed with the Master Sword) Zelda! Thank God I found you!

::Links pupils were dilated::

King: What going on here?
Zelda: Uh Link. Now is not the best time.
Link: I've been cursed Zelda!
Zelda: I thought you got married and started a job.
Link: No. Not anymore. I'm back in the Twilight Realm!

::The queen starts screaming in horror::

Link: By the way, your daughter is an absolute freak in the bedroom your royalty.
King: Zelda!
Zelda: He's lying!
Link: Oh boy I wish I was.
Queen: Our daughters purity is gone!
Zelda: Errr... I hate you Link!

::Link gets sword hit from behind::
::Everything goes black::

(Castle Town Jail) Hyrule Local Time: 7:00 P.M.
(Cell)

Link: Here we go again…

::Link escapes from prison::

(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 8:38 P.M.
(Link's Hut)

::The Twilight Realm disappeared::
:Link was back in reality::
::He realized that saving the world was disastrous now::
::This started to give him negative thoughts::
::All of Castle Town hated him::
::Word was spreading quickly of his evil::

Link: Maybe I'm not meant for good anymore. Maybe I'm meant to be…. evil.

::Link starts to grin evilly::
::Navi flies toward Link's hut::

Navi: Link no!

::Link slams his window shut::
::Navi flies into the window shutter and gets knocked out::

[Realillusion]

The Link Life

Link's "Day 6" Memory: Link tried to live a normal life and settle down with his wife, but tables turned when he met up with Midna and she sent Link's mind back to the Twilight Realm. Link went crazy, displaying insanity in crowded places, with Hyrule totally oblivious to the realm he was in. Now Link is hated by many, and adored by many (those crazy colt folks). He now thinks he's meant to be evil and that he can rise up to be the next bad boy of Hyrule.

Day 7
"Black Link"

(Death Mountain) Hyrule Local Time: 6:30 A.M.
(Goron City)
(Shop)

Setting: Link visits the Gorons to get a specially made Black Tunic to fit his new evil image.

Goron: Black eh? I can do that. You've always been a positive symbol to us, Link.
Link: ……

::The Goron takes a tunic off the shelves::
::He wraps it around a stick and holds it over a fire, turning it 360 degrees until the whole tunic was a black crisp::

Goron: Done.
Link: Perfect.

(Lon Lon Ranch) Hyrule Local Time: 7:08 A.M.

Ganondorf: We will now corrupt Hyrule even more. Men, kill these chickens. Kill them all.

::Ganondorf smiles::

Man #1: Uhm, Master? What good is that going to do? They can get plenty more chickens.
Ganondorf: You're right. I'm just on a power trip, this is serious shit.

(Kakariko Village) Hyrule Local Time: 7:45 A.M.

Ganondorf: (determined) He.. he.. he… burn it. Burn this village to the ground.
Man #1: Well that's really original.
Ganondorf: Why do you have to ruin every brilliant plan I get?
Man #1: People will expect that you'll burn the village. It's so predictable.
Ganondorf: What do you suggest?
Man #1: We brainwash all of them. Make our mark on the town. Get into the high ranks. A higher voice of reason… and then these people will do everything we command.
Ganondorf: Shit your right! God you're good. You're promoted to my assistant.
Man #1: Thank you Master.
Ganondorf: Ha who am I kidding… you're not promoted.
Man #2: You should pick another village. The mayor of this one is a Satanist. He'll smell evil all over your ass Ganon.
Ganondorf: Good call. Hmm which village?

::Ganondorf takes out a map::

Ganondorf: You think I would have memorized Hyrule by now.

(Castle Town) Hyrule Local Time: 9:20 A.M.

::Link rides through Castle Town on Epona with his head held high, wearing his black tunic and starring down people evilly::
::The townspeople look back blankly::
::Kids run up to the side of Epona::

Kids: A horse! A horse! Can I pet-
Link: (interrupting) Back off! Back off!

::Link whales his hand around::

Link: Mine. Only mine.

::The kids run off crying::
::Navi spies on Link from behind a building::

Hyrule Local Time: 9:33 A.M.

::Link hangs around Castle Town, waiting to pull something completely unnecessary to further his evil reputation::
::A little boys ball flies towards Link and rolls on the ground::
::Link stops it with his foot::
::Link kicks the ball back::
::Realizing his just committed a good deed out of instinct, Link takes out his bow and shoots the air blown ball, popping it::
::Boy runs home crying::

Link: Haha… one bad deed done. Time to rest.

::Link hangs out at his house::

Link: (finishing off a snickers bar) Just one bad action and I call it a day? Wow I really am a pussy…

::Link leaves::

(Castle Town) Hyrule Local Time: 12:30 P.M.
(Dark Alleyway)

::In order to get into the bad guy mentality, Link participates in a drug deal::
::He had no intention of doing the drugs himself::

Link: You got the stuff?
Dealer: What you want?
Link: What you got?
Dealer: What you want?
Link: Caffeine. Lots and lots of caffeine. Hehe.

::Dealer gives Link a weird stare and runs off::
::A video compiled of all of the late rapper Tupac's interviews fall out of the dealers back pocket::

Link: (picking up the tape) ….?

(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 1:45 P.M.

::Link firmly thought that Epona had gone soft and wasn't evil enough::
::He felt obligated to start whipping her repeatedly until she turned tough::

Link: (crying and lashing) This is how it's gotta be Epona. Please, forgive me.

::Epona moans in horror, unable to escape because she was tied to a tree stump::
::Link continues to whip:

Link: Noooooo!!!

(Ganon's Office) Hyrule Local Time: 1:50 P.M.

Ganondorf: (thinking deeply) Tell me, do you think I'm evil?
Man #2: Totally evil Master.
Ganondorf: Then why do I like to watch Miley Cyrus. I own all seasons. I also watch Oprah at 5 every day.
Man #2: That's why you want us to knock.
Ganondorf: Seriously, am I an evil son of a bitch?
Man #2: If I ever saw you, I'd cream my pants. Not gonna lie.
Ganondorf: (putting his arm on Man #2's shoulder) You're a good man. On the other hand, I wonder about Man #1. He always pushes me around secretively. I can feel his pushy vibe.
Man #2….
Ganondorf: Never mind. We have chaos to cause. Let's move.

::Man #1 stood outside the office with his ear plugged to the door::

Man #1: (grinning) Ganon is insecure with himself. This could get interesting…

(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 3:00 P.M.
(Link's Hut)

::Link spends three hours entranced in watching Tupac Interviews::
::He gets immoral ideas::

(Kakariko Village) Hyrule Local Time: 6:30 P.M.
(Malo Mart)

::Link walks in with intentions to rob::
::The owner stares weirdly at him::

Link: (to himself) Be cool. Be cool.
Owner: Can I help you?
Link: Yeah. You can help me by…

::Link tries to pull his sword out, but it was stuck::

Owner: Do you have a problem sir?
Link: Yeah. My problem is…

::Link's sword wouldn't pull::

Owner: Sir, Im gonna have to ask you to leave.
Link: (backing out, figuring his act of suprise was ruined) It's because I'm black isn't it?!

(Castle Town) Hyrule Local Time: 7:00 P.M.

::The whole town was deserted except for a few die hard Castle Town fans here and there::
::Something wasn't right::
::But what did Link care? He had no interest in saving the Land of Hyrule anymore::
::To flaunt his new sinful lifestyle, Link checks out the strip club that recently opened in town::
::Navi spies on him from above::

(Burb's Strip Joint) Hyrule Local Time: 7:10 P.M.

::Link has a seat near the stage::
::He wipes off some of the ashes from this new black tunic::
::A lady walks by with a tray full of alcohol::
::Link swipes one of the drinks and tosses the straw::
::The strippers walk off the stage::
::An announcer preps the microphone::

Announcer: (followed after a loud "zing") And now for our finest lady of the evening. She's wet, she's wild, and she's new. Give it up for…. (under his breath) I feel so weird saying this… (louder) The luscious Tatiana White.

::Zelda appears on stage wearing a black curled hair wig, makeup used in excess, her new boob job openly exposed (that Link suggested she got), and an outfit crossed between school girl and hooker that says "I'm conservative but I can also rock your world"::
::Link is shocked but by this time he had already downed three alcoholic drinks so he was interested in the performance::
::Zelda shakes her ass and bumps her tits::
::Link couldn't stop following her motions with his happy eyes::
::Suddenly, a random man reaches over the stage and tries to grab Zelda's underwear::
::Link gets pissed, walks over to the man, and starts beating him down::

Zelda: Link what the hell!

::The man passes out::
::Link jumps on the stage and grabs Zelda::

Announcer: Someone get this fag outta here.
Guy in crowd: Hey loser! Go get your own ass!
Link: Hey shut up buddy!
Zelda: Link! Stop it!
Link: What are you doing here?!
Zelda: I'm helping to raise money for the town since the nightlife has been dull. I figured I could do a couple side jobs at night to help out.
Link: Where is everyone at?
Zelda: Gerudo Valley. Some prostitution thing.
Link: Hmmm…
Zelda: I tell you what. If things don't work out here, I'm heading over there.
Link: No you are not!

::Zelda punches Link in the face::
::Link fly's off the stage and into a couple of tables::

(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 9:30 P.M.
(Link's Hut)

::Link picks up the Hyrule Times Magazine he got a few days earlier::

Link: I think I'll visit Gerudo Valley tomorrow.

::Link falls asleep::
::Navi watches from outside the window::
::She flies off::

[Realillusion]

The Link Life.

(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 6:30 A.M.
(Link's Hut)

::Link awakens::
::Nothing changed overnight, he still thought he was meant to be evil::
::Link wanted to accomplish something this morning, but he didn't want to start his evil deeds just yet::
::He decided if he wasn't evil, he was nothing::
::Link walks out of his hut bare naked. Yes… ass cheeks exposed and all::

Link: (shouting from his porch) Here I come world!

::Navi shakes her little head and flies after Link::

(Hyrule Field) Hyrule Local Time: 6:45 A.M.

::Link rides Epona through Hyrule with the wind beating against his strong figure::
::Epona felt very odd to say the least::

(Castle Town) Hyrule Local Time: 7:15 A.M.

::Link darts through Castle Town, bare assed::

Link: Take a good look Hyrule!

::Link gathers a strict group of guards behind him::

(Zora's Domain) Hyrule Local Time: 8:08 A.M.

::Link interrupts an annual swimming competition held by the Zora's once a year::
::He swims in between the confused Zora's::

Link: (stroking backwards) Don't mind me. Wow, I can see how you guys enjoyed swimming so much. If I were you, I'd stay naked. It works!

::Navi swoops down from up top and lifts Link in the air by his feet::
::She carries his dripping, soaking wet body over the water and out of Zora's Domain::

Link: Navi what the hell!

::The Zora's stare at Link's embarrassing exit::

(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 8:30 A.M.
(Link's Hut)

::Navi drops Link on his floor::

Navi: (exhausted) Get a grip!
Link: (pouting on the floor, bare-naked) How dare you interrupt my morning exercise!
Navi: Look at yourself Link, your running around Hyrule completely naked! Everyone can see your privates!
Link: You never complained when we used to have sex.

::Link does an erotic pose::

Navi: Geez Link, just because I sprinkle some dust on you doesn't mean we had sex.

::Link starts to move back and forth::
::His eyes go cross eyed::

Navi: Link?

::Link falls backwards and starts snoring::
::Navi tucks Link in bed::

Link's "Day 7" Memory: Link his led himself to believe that he the next villain of Hyrule despite what everyone else thinks. Epona and Navi are both concerned with his actions. He just doesn't seem to be thinking clearly. Link has sunken to a low state and was totally unaware to the fact that this could be a perfect time for the dark lord Ganondorf to cover Hyrule in darkness once more. There was also something else that Link was trying to remember once he woke up. He remembered being really chilly throughout his whole body, but couldn't exactly put his finger around it.

Day 8
"Crazy Eight"

(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 11:48 A.M.
(Link's Hut)

Setting: Link woke up and was oblivious by Navi's strange mood. Navi explained to him that he had a real odd sleepwalk phase this morning, but didn't elaborate more than that.

::Link notices that he is completely naked::

Link: Odd…

Link hopped out of bed, put on his Black Tunic, and decided that he would visit Gerudo Valley first thing.

(?) Hyrule Local Time: 12:05 P.M.
(Ganon's Gym)

::Ganondorf breaks a sweat bench pressing two Goron's on each side::
::Man #1 walks in::
::He waits respectively::
::Ganondorf finishes his set and sits up::

Man #1: Master, sorry to bother you, but we had some problems making your outfit that you wanted so you could be disguised around Hyrule.
Ganondorf: The old, drunk traveler with the long, white beard?
Man #1: Yes… umm… while that being the very creative choice that it was…
Ganondorf: Yeah?
Man #1: It just can't be done. You requested this overall look to be a man at 5'6 and your well… 6'3.
Ganondorf: Blast it. I could always play a tall, dumb giant with a big hammer.
Man #1: I'll arrange that. Uhmm, Master, are you lifting naturally?
Ganondorf: Yes. I lift without the Triforce of Power. I leave it in my locker now.
Man #1: Impressive.

(Gerudo Valley) Hyrule Local Time: 12:15 P.M.

::Link overlooks the big building where Ganondorf's prostitution was behind held::
::He takes a deep breath and walks in::

(Building named "The Petting Zoo") Hyrule Local Time: 12:16 P.M.
(Main Office)

::The office looked fairly normal with people sitting in chairs, reading magazines, and waiting for their names to be called::
::There was a nice soft tune closely resembling elevator music::
::Link browsed a collection of pictures on the wall::
::Most of the pictures were of Ganondorf, but he was in great disguise for Link to notice::
::In one picture, Ganondorf was at a table in a black tuxedo, drinking champagne, with his arm around an elderly man. Both of them were smiling::
::In another picture, Ganondorf sat at an office desk in a collared shirt and tie with his hands crossed, looking up at the camera and smiling::

Link: Must be a hardworking guy.

::In another picture, it shows Ganondorf in a circus dressed as a clown, balancing himself on a ball, holding a highly heavy totem poll with his right hand, and an applauding audience in the background::

Link: Hmmm…
Receptionist: Excuse me sir. Do you have an appointment?
Link: No. I was going to make one. Looks like you guys aren't real busy.
Receptionist: There's a line to your right sir.

::Link notices a massive line that stretched from the main office down a long corridor::
::He put in his name and waited at the back of the line::

(Room) Hyrule Local Time: 4:00 P.M.

::Link walks in a room with his girl of choice::
::The girl looked a lot like Zelda::
::She was wearing nothing but a see-through dress::
::Link sort of got mislead and thought he was on a dating website::

Link: So… what do you like to do in your spare time?
Girl: Whatever you want.
Link: Interesting. I enjoy bow practicing, riding horses, fishing, and sword fighting. Those are my favorites. I do tend to venture off into other things though. I like to stay open minded.
Girl: Yeah. Me too.

::The girl pulls down Link's pants::

Link: Whoa. (chuckling) Didn't expect that.
Girl: (laughing) I wanna fuck.
Link: Hold on now. We just met.

::The girl pushes Link on a big circular bed that just looks like it has seen some action in it's day::
::She starts making out with him::
::Link pushes her back::

Link: Now hold it. We're moving too fast.
Girl: Geez, I have other guys to attend to. Can we hurry this up?
Link: Well that's a rude thing to say.

::Link pulls out the Master Sword and holds it to the girls throat::

Link: Who do you work for?
Girl: Excuse me?
Link: Who runs this place. They are evil and need to be brought to justice.
Girl: Are you kiddin' me?
Link: Who is that guy in those pics? Tell me now.

::The girls punches Link in the chin and runs out of the room::
::Link chases her out the room::
::He runs into a long hallway with a line of rooms and hears a nearby door close::
::He runs into that room::
::The room was pitch black::
::Suddenly the girl jumps out of nowhere and hits Link over the head with something heavy::
::Link passes out::

(?) Hyrule Local Time: 4:30 P.M.

Ganondorf: And now I will show one of these lovely ladies why I'm known as The Destroyer. He.. he… he…
Man #2: Go get 'em tiger!

::Ganondorf was wearing nothing but a black and red bathrobe::
::He taps on the wall behind him and the wall moves around like a trapped door, taking him into the room behind him::
::The room was pitch black::

Ganondorf: Where are you, you little little girl.

::Ganondorf drops his robe::
::He fingers his way through the room and feels on a body::
::He runs his hand through long, soft blonde hair::

Ganondorf: He… he… he…

(Room) Hyrule Local Time: 4:45 P.M.

::Guards storm the room::
::They turn the lights on::
::Ganondorf peaks out from under the sheets::

Ganondorf: How dare you men interrupt!
Guards: Ganondorf, we're so sorry. We'll leave now.

::Link groans from underneath the sheets::
::Ganondorf removes the sheets from over Link::
::Link was flopped on his belly and couldn't move::

Link: What the shit happened to me?! God my asshole!

::Link moans in horror::

Ganondorf: (spotting Link) My God!
Link: Ganon?!
Ganondorf: Fairy boy?!

::Link and Ganondorf look ahead at the guards::
::One of the guards takes out a camera::
::Link had a shocked expression and his hair was sticking up and matted::
::Ganondorf smiles at the camera::
::A picture is taken of the two:

One Hour Later…

::That picture spread quicker than Link or Ganondorf could imagine::
::It was put on the front of Hyrule Local Times THAT DAY… within a few minutes after being snapped::
::The magazine sold off the shelves::
::Word was growing quickly about Link and Ganondorf's unfortunate circumstance throughout Hyrule::
::Ganondorf was quickly being known as "The gerudo with a shocking secret" whilst Link simply as "Link in Pink"::
::All of the guards that stormed the room were killed by Ganondorf but it was too late::
::The picture expressed homosexual activity, and that it was being regulated by money. This was illegal under Hylian Law 34::
::The CIAOA: "Central Intelligence Agency of Organized Activity" of Hyrule, raided Ganondorf's building, only to find him hastily trying to burn down the place along with several of his guards and future blueprints::
::Ganondorf elusively escaped but his prostitution ring was closed::
::All of the women and men that were involved in this operation were arrested::
::Rumor has it that Man #1 and #2 were involved in the fast printing of the magazine. They escaped Hyrule shortly after, only to settle somewhere in the Caribbean::
::Link and Ganondorf's reputation and well being may be doomed forever::

(Termina Field) Termina Local Time: 9:34 P.M.
(Snowhead Mountain)

::Link was disguised as an Eskimo::
::He rode in a carriage that had all of his basic survival needs for at least a few months::
::The carriage was being pulled by Epona::
::Link's plan was to find a warm cave somewhere far from civilization and camp out until thing's died down::
::He meditated under incents and had a couple candles burning to keep him warm::
::A rumbling noise was heard from one of Link's boxes in the carriage::
::Link pulls out a hand crafted spear of his and leans out of the carriage, tapping the end of the spear on Epona's back::
::Epona stops::
::Link creeps towards the box with his spear armed::
::He flings open the top::
::Ganondorf was curled up inside::

Ganondorf: Hello.
Link: Get out.

::Ganondorf crawls out::

Ganondorf: So hows it goin?
Link: You never die do you?
Ganondorf: It's funny, I should be sayin' the same thing.

::Ganondorf laughs jokingly::

Ganondorf: Ha... yeah.
Link: Get off my carriage!
Ganondorf: Can we just talk?
Link: Leave!
Ganondorf: I have nowhere to go. Why are you acting like this?
Link: You raped me!
Ganondorf: Not intentionally. I have done a lot of horrible and disturbing thing's because I deeply wanted to, but that's not one of them.
Link: I had my chance to save Hyrule again. I was going to bust your immoral operation and you foiled everything!
Ganondorf: Whoa, your acting like I meant to do any of this. (lifting out his hand) Let's be friends. At least while we're up here. Afterwards, we can have our battle or whatever you want to do.
Link: How do I know I can trust you?
Ganondorf: Well, I don't have the Triforce of Power on me. Left it somewhere in Hyrule. So I'm pretty much just a regular guy.
Link: I'll be watching you Ganon…
Ganondorf: Understandable.

::Link taps his spear on Epona and the carriage continues to move up the snowy hill::

[Realillusion]

The Link Life

Link's "Day 8" Memory: Link became evil and decided that he would start doing immoral things. He visited a Prostitution Brothel in Gerudo Valley run by Ganondorf but the plans changed when Link was knocked unconscious by one of the call girls and Ganondorf ended up violating him sexually. A picture was snapped of the two in bed together and was spread throughout Hyrule. Link and Ganondorf are now hiding out until the heat cools off in Hyrule. Their temporary home is in the depths of Snowhead Mountain, the snowy mountain of Termina Field.

Day 9
"The Return"

(Termina Field) Termina Local Time: 5:35 A.M.
(Snowhead Mountain)

Setting: Link never went to sleep. Day eight and nine melted together. His eyes had bags underneath, his mouth was dry, and he was freezing from the chilly atmosphere of Snowhead Mountain. Worst of all was he was with Ganondorf, his main nemesis. Link sat on a stool made out of dry ice next to a campfire. Ganondorf was asleep on the other side of the fire.

::Link stands up and pulls out his Master Sword::
::He creeps over to Ganondorf, stands over him, and raises his sword execution style::
::He jabs his sword down, impaling Ganondorf through his head::
::Blood starts gushing everywhere::
::Suddenly Link snaps out of his trance::

Ganondorf: (other side of the fire) Are you ever going to sleep?
Link: After you, Ganon.

::Ganondorf gets up and starts doing various forms of stretching::
::Link starts doing jumping jacks::

Two Hours Later….

::Link and Ganondorf start getting together their gear to head out and venture the mountain::
::Link stands on the edge of the mountain, looking through the blowing snow towards Hyrule Field::
::There was a huge light that radiated from Hyrule towards Link::
::Zelda's voice traveled through the light and made vibrating sensations all over Link's body::

Zelda: (echoing sound) Link, where are you?
Link: (holding his arms out) I'm right here, my love.
Zelda: Thing's aren't looking good over here. I need to know that you're safe.

::Link starts singing in a deep voice::

Link: (singing) I'm safe my dear, safe with your love,
safer with your love than with that God above.

::Zelda walks out from her two double doors onto her bedroom balcony::
::Beautiful blue birds take air in front of her::
::Her hair sways elegantly in the wind::

Zelda: (singing towards Termina Field) I miss you so, please come back to me,
we can start our dreams, a big house and a family

Link: (singing) That would be great, that would be swell,
but right now I'm on a mountain freezing my ass off, I'm in hell.

Zelda: (singing) What mountain? I can meet you there,
I'll be fine, don't worry, I'll fly Delta Air.

Link: (singing) Snowhead Mountain in Termina Field, watch out for dangers and I hope you're aware,
that Ganondorf is right here massaging my hair.

Ganondorf: Extravagant.

::Link pushes Ganondorf off of him::

Ganondorf: (standing awkwardly) I just love your hair.
Link: ……
Ganondorf: We should get moving.

(Right Side of Snowhead Mountain) Termina Local Time: 10:04 A.M.
(A few thousand feet up)

::Link taps on Epona to stop the carriage::
::He hops out of the carriage::

Link: (stretching) There should be a cave near our current location with tolerable living conditions.
Ganondorf: (brushing his teeth) Excellent. Good job Fairy Boy.
Link: We've been traveling for approximately two and a half hours. Termina Time is three minutes behind Hyrule's. With these calculations and by the looks of this side of the mountain, we should be real close. Ganon, we're on foot from here.

::Link hammers a thick piece of stick into the ground and ties Epona to it::
::Ganondorf and he start venturing astray on foot::
::After thirty minutes of searching, no cave was in sight::
::Ganondorf and Link take time out to reflect their mislead judgment of the area::
::Off into the distance, Ganondorf heard Man #1 and #2 calling his name::
::He parted from Link::

Ganondorf: How dare you two lead your backstabbing faces back into my presence!
Man #1: Everything that was said about us was a lie Master. You have to believe us.
Man #2: Big lie. There is a bunch of crazy thing's going on in Hyrule right now but that wasn't one of them.
Ganondorf: Ok. I trust you but only because I don't trust you.

::Man #1 and #2 look at each other::
::Ganondorf hands the men a small bag of food::

Ganondorf: Take this food and hide out somewhere nearby. I'll have Fairy Boy camp out here for the night. Once he falls into dream world, we'll take off with his horse and carriage.
Man #1: Geez, I could of thought of that one. What would be smart is-
Ganondorf: (interrupting) Shut the fuck up I don't care what you think anymore! Go!

::Man #1 and #2 run off::

Ganondorf: He.. he… he…

::Ganondorf walks back towards where Link was::
::Link was gone::
::Man #1 and #2 walk down a hill::
::Link awaited at the bottom of the hill::

Link: (pulling out his Master Sword) So Ganon had a little surprise for me, huh?
Man #1: Hola Senor.
Link: Who are you?
Man #2: Ummm…
Ganondorf: (spying from a nearby rock) Damn….

::Man #1 takes off::
::Link takes out his bow and aims at him::
::Man #2 takes out a couple of sharp daggers and tries to attack Link::
::Link dodges the daggers and slices Man #2 across his chest::
::Man #2 falls into the snow::
::Link aims his bow and shoots an arrow at Man #1::
::The arrow scraps the side of Man #1's face::
::Man #1's face flies off with the arrow::
::Blonde hair wrapped in a bun was revealed::
::It appeared that Man #1 was disguising himself with a mask::

Link: What the….

::Man #1 turns around and it was…. Zelda… the princess and innocence of Hyrule::

Link: Zelda!
Zelda: I'm sorry Link.

::Zelda forms a fireball with her hands full of an abundance of colors and fires at Man #2, exploding him::
::Link gets blown into the air and spun in different directions::
::Zelda causes a great wind to surround her body, the snow clears away from underneath her, and she floats into the air::
::She shoots another fireball at Ganon but he shielded himself behind the rock::

Zelda: (her voice almost unrecognizable) No one will get in my way. I have a plan to bring Hyrule under my wrath, a true phase of darkness. Don't come back to Hyrule, Link, or you will suffer.

::Zelda flies off towards Hyrule::

(Further up Snowhead Mountain) Termina Local Time: 11:22 A.M.
(Cave)

::Link and Ganondorf were huddled near a fire::
::Both were covered with ash and bruised from Zelda's fireballs::
::Both were silent for at least a half an hour::
::Ganondorf broke the silence with a laugh::

Link: What could possibly be so funny?
Ganondorf: You should of let me kill her long ago. We'd be better off.
Link: What would the players think if I just let you kill her?
Ganondorf: They'd probably be happy. Who really liked Zelda anyways?

::Link stands up and turns his back towards Ganondorf::

Link: I liked her.
Ganondorf: You have a horrible taste in women.
Link: Did you know about Zelda in disguise?
Ganondorf: Had no idea.
Link: We must go back to Hyrule. I have to confront Zelda and the people of Hyrule face to face.
Ganondorf: I'm with you.
Link: Let's eat, then we move.

(Wooded Area connecting Termina and Hyrule Field) Termina and Hyrule Local Time: 2:15 P.M. minus three so that would be 2:12 P.M. but we're actually in between both Fields so who really knows the time?

::Link and Ganondorf walk with caution::
::Link leads Epona with his hand::
::Link and Ganondorf try and sneak back into Hyrule::
::Link hears something off into the distance::
::He and Ganondorf hide behind a tree stump::

Link: You go out first Ganon. Lead the way.
Ganondorf: Why me?
Link: Because you're a big guy. If anything is thrown our way you'll be able to play a great defense. Triforce of Power or not.
Ganondorf: OoOoooOh man.

::Ganon walks out in the open::
::An arrow strikes Ganondorf's ass::

Ganondorf: Motherfucker!

::Ganondorf gimps back over to the stump::
::A group of the race called Gergutols walk out from the midst of the woods::
::They looked like a bunch of elves who had bad plastic surgery so basically, really ugly, tall looking elves with bow n arrows::

Male Gergutol: Greetings. By what means are you traveling our part of the forest today?
Link: To return to our land of origin, Hyrule. We come with no harm.
Male Gergutol: I see.
Link: We ask of a favor. We need assistance for a great task. I ask for your race's help.
Male Gergutol: You have our bow.
Link: Thank you.

::Ganondorf pulls the arrow out of his ass::

(Hyrule Field) Hyrule Local Time: 2:50 P.M.

::Link and Ganon stand confidently before Hyrule::
::The Gergutol race was not behind them::

Link: Time to take back what is ours.
Ganon: Yes indeed.
Link: Let's save Hyrule.
Ganon: Let's destroy it.

::Link and Ganon continue forward.
::Intense music starts to play::

Link: Wait!

::The music stops::

Link: Something is not right. I don't have my green tunic. We must find my green tunic Ganon!
Ganondorf: Great.
Link: A hero must have his makeup.

(Lon Lon Ranch) Hyrule Local Time: 3:17 P.M.

::Link and Ganondorf make their first stop to victory at the ranch to get specially made outfits from Malon as to hide their identities::
::When Malon wasn't horseback riding, she was making delegate outfits as a hobby::

Link: We need very convincing outfits Malon.
Malon: Why is Ganondorf in my ranch?
Link: Long story. Can you help us?
Malon: I just finished up two outfits that look like they may suit you both.
Link: Perfect. I owe you one.

(Castle Town) Hyrule Local Time: 4:56 P.M.

::Link and Ganondorf walk around dressed as housewives::

Ganondorf: I feel completely ridiculous right now.
Link: Quiet Ganon. Keep it cool and try to blend in.
Ganondorf: Why do I have to walk around looking like Mary Poppins?
Link: 'Cause everyone in Hyrule thinks we're gay. Do you want that kind of attention?
Ganondorf: Ok so we're going to enter this building right here.

(Pawn Shop) Hyrule Local Time: 5:00 P.M.

Owner: Yes?
Link: I need to know if anyone has sold you a green tunic within the last few days.
Owner: Hmmm… yes. Yes. I did receive one, but it was sold yesterday.
Link: To whom?
Owner: Some guy from the desert. You don't want to go around those parts though. You'll have to hop the border. Border patrol will catch you instantly.

Link: We'll see about that.

::A woman walks past Ganondorf::

Woman: Love the outfit.
Ganondorf: Thank you.

::Link walks up to Ganondorf::

Link: I will now embark on a serious and possibly deadly quest.
Ganondorf: What?
Link: I will dress as a desert man and get deported. I will grab the tunic that it rightfully mine and hop the border. I need to ask for your help, Ganon.
Ganondorf: I know the desert like the moles on my fat green ass.
Link:…..
Ganondorf: I'm in!

(Gerudo Desert) Desert Local Time: 8:30 P.M.
(Border of Hyrule)

::Ganondorf waits patiently on Epona::
::He waits behind a tall fence with barbed wire, looking off into the pitch black distance::
::All he could hear was the wind blowing::
::Suddenly, Ganondorf spots Link walking out of the darkness behind the fence with a black bag tucked between his arm::
::Link wore untidy baggy clothes, a curly black hair wig, and a mustache::
::He casually points to his right::
::Ganon rides Epona lightly down the side the fence::
::Suddenly a light shuts on behind Link::
::Several desert men became visible in the light behind Link::

Link: Let's go!

::Link and his desert friends run for freedom::
::Border Patrol gallops in on their horses, holding bright lights, and start to stun some of the men who were escaping::
::Link's desert friends start yelling among each other in a different language::
::Everyone in the desert scattered and started to run their own ways::

Ganondorf: You can make it Fairy Boy!

::Link jumps and latches himself to the fence::
::He starts to climb along with the other desert men::
::He pounces over the barbed wire and falls from the top of the fence, landing behind Ganondorf on Epona::
::Ganondorf and Link ride off::

Ganondorf: You got it?
Link: (pulling his tunic out from the bag) Oh yeah. Let's move!