Fear

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Fear

Postby King John Blaze » Mon Nov 13, 2017 4:06 pm

Is there anything that you fear or feared in your life? Not a fan of spiders and going in a loft always freaks me out for some reason (more because of the dirt and more spiders).

The one eternal fear I have, one which I would literally think about it everyday, is the fear of everything falling apart. When I was younger between the ages of 12-21, I had a constant fear of not being a financial success. That fear and insecurity was the driving force for me to succeed, coupled with the fact I was never happy, had no friends, was rubbish with women and not physically attractive. If I could not be happier than my peers, I would have more money.

And it worked. At 26 I was married, owned my home, had a child and earned a good salary. But before all this success came in, I would have this fear that everything was going to go to shit. Any success that built me up was only so the fall will be much harder. Now I am physically unfit, mentally burnt out and have burdens (wife, child and mortgage) that means I can't just pack everything in.

My work effort is literally the minimum and I can get away with for a year or so before they catch on and fire me (like my last job). I can see things slowly, but surely, unraveling. Prior, back in my insecure days, I would work 70+ hours if needed, work through the night, study on the train and have the energy of a rabbit when it came to work. Now there are days where I would put a random meeting in the diary or make up some excuse that I don't have to come in because I literally can't get out of bed.

And that's it. That's my eternal fear.
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Re: Fear

Postby UnHoly Bible » Mon Nov 13, 2017 11:32 pm

I always had a fear of running out of time or something like that. Probably came from constantly drowning underwater in sonic the hedgehog constantly back when I was really young lol. That was always so distressing. These days I'm so emotionally dulled though I don't have to feel much outside of short-lived discomfort over social things. Some say emotions are great things to experience for a full life, no, i say, when they're mostly just used against you if you don't want to compete or play the game.
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Re: Fear

Postby Mr. Frozen » Tue Nov 14, 2017 3:10 am

I had a relevant dream last night. It was basically an amalgam of all the shit that is currently going on in my life right now. I was looking for a new job, got an email invite from a potential employer. It was vague as fuck, with me saying I needed to sign up and follow the instructions in the letter, going through numbered doors in a warehouse.

I had to go through a bunch of various rooms, which tested my mettle in various situations. I remember one room being me having to swim through before the walls closed down and squished me. Stupid shit like that. Other doors just led to the parking lot, which means you failed. Near the end they divided all candidates into two groups, all the failures went through one door and the others to another door. I was grouped with the failures. Apparently this was another test and they guys were like "lol jay kay" and told us we were actually the most qualified candidates. I don't remember the rest of the dream very well, but the final test was something relating to our fears. I remember being in a room with a big rectangular table, there was about 10 of us around it. We were told that we will face our fears or something like that. Some guys were going crazy and I had to kill some of them for some reason. There was woman there who wanted to complete a suicide pact. I told her no because I didn't want to die. She went apeshit and I ended up gouging her eyes out. Everyone else was dead, fanfare sounded and apparently I won? There were confetti and apparently I "won." I was confused and sad as fuck. My sadness wasn't even about having to eye gouge that woman, it was just me thinking about how much I hated my life and wishing I was normal. I definitely remember waking up thinking about wtf is normal.

So yea, apparently my biggest fear is somewhere in there.
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